teaser tuesday
I succumb again. To add to the frazzle of writing in present tense for the first time, I’ve decided to convert the entirety of the Elizabethan work-in-progress to first person. I welcome comments and lambast. Herewith:
&&&
Freed at last, the sun melting into the hedges beyond my bedroom window, I find the white cotton gown and drape it against the back of my chair. My writing desk - they allow me that much, to write in the open! - is ready with pen, ink, and paper. Quickly, I scrawl:
They speak of my marriage. I find I must see you one more time. Meet me tomorrow at midday under the tree. E.S.
I fold the paper carefully and write Edmund’s name on the outside. No time for sealing wax. I ball up my soiled gown into one arm and trip downstairs - all the way downstairs - to the laundry.
Charlie, the laundress’s son, is there as I hoped, sitting on the wooden steps and jogging a hot meat pie from hand to hand, blowing on it.
‘Heigh-ho, Charlie, my soldier of fortune,’ I say, softly so as not to startle him. Still he bounds up from the step, almost drops the pie, and bobs his head to me. ‘Are you busy, Charlie?’
‘Not busy, miss,’ says Charlie. ‘Just finishing my supper, miss.’
‘It looks a treat,’ I say, but inwardly: God’s teeth, can’t you eat that thing faster?
‘Would you have me on a errand, miss?’
I smile at him. ‘I wouldn’t want you to let your pie grow cold,’ I say.
‘No, see, look, miss,’ he says, blowing loudly on the pie, and then eating half of it in one impressive, messy bite. He exhales rapidly, several times - ‘Hooh! Hooh! Hooh!’ - and I can imagine the meat scorching his little throat.
‘Now, Charlie, you needn’t - ‘
He swallows, makes an incoherent noise, and then the rest of the pie disappears.
We wait together, while he chews. His eyes begin to water.
‘Now,’ Charlie manages, swallowing the last of it, ‘miss, what were it you wanted me to do?’
‘What a fine man you will make,’ I say, and mean it. Charlie’s watering eyes are earnest upon me, awaiting his task. ‘I need you to take this’ - I hand him the grass-stained gown - ‘to your mother for cleaning. Will you bundle it in with the other cotton, and make sure no one sees it?’
‘I will, miss.’ And he will: he’s done it before.
‘And I should like it if you took this’ - I hold up the letter - ‘to the inn.’ He makes to snatch it up, but I stop him - ‘Wipe your hands, Charlie, there’s a good lad!’ This done, as daintily and quickly as possible on his short pants, I pass him the letter. ‘It is for friend Edmund, and do you make sure you pass it straight into his own hands. You can do this?’
‘Of course, miss!’ I can all but see his mind whirring, planning his adventure.
‘You must go quickly, before the stars pop out,’ I tell him.
‘I’ll leave right away,’ Charlie says, impressively. ‘And I’ll run.’ I press a penny into his hand. ‘I need nothing of that, miss!’ he cries, and makes to hand it back to me.
‘Tut, a soldier of fortune must have his fortune,’ I say. ‘Off you go now, before it gets any darker. And Charlie,’ I say, pulling his sleeve and bending down to him, ‘you remember to tell no one.’
He nods, three times for good measure, and is gone.
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May 5th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Oh I suspect our narrator is wicked girl, but I do love Charlie. The description of his gulped supper makes my mouth burn a little. Delightful.
Bryn Greenwood’s last blog post..Teaser Tuesday: UGLY (Old Friends)
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May 5th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Aww. The MC’s interaction with the kid is sweet.
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May 5th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I love first person stories, and I love your writing. I could feel the pie burning my mouth!
Pass me some talent, my dear.
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May 5th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Intriguing! I love this period in history and your writing seems authentic. Your main character is smart and I love the scene with the boy. Great stuff! Can’t wait to read more!
Courtney’s last blog post..Teaser Tuesday: EMPIRE OF ASHES
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May 5th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
What a lovely, engaging scene. I’m with Bryn on the description of his hastily eaten pie…especially the ‘hooh, hooh, hooh.”
Beautifully written. Your writing always makes me homesick.
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May 5th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I love the fact that she seems both slightly naive and very sure of herself: this girl’s got moxie. And the kid is so vividly described I can see the crumbs on his face.
sunna’s last blog post..teaser Tuesday, again!
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May 5th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Brilliant! I love Charlie.
It’s great! Is this the present WIP?
oneidii’s last blog post..
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May 5th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Yes, this is the one I’m scraping with a dull knife out of my own brain at the moment. I liked Charlie too - he was a surprise. Just sort of made himself known. And Sue, that’s a compliment I’ll take - the Canadian expat making the English expat homesick! I’ll hug that one all day.
Thanks for the lovely comments, dudes. I’m still waiting on the lambasts…
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May 5th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Wow. This is gorgeously written. Again, I sound like a broken record here, but an amazing sense of time and place here, and a fantastic insight into who you MC is. Lurve it.
Gretchen’s last blog post..The Circus is Here!
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May 5th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Oh, I love this! Beautiful writing, and I love the MC already. And I want to know more about this Edmund person and her stained gown.
Jen’s last blog post..Teaser Tuesday
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May 5th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Wow, I think this is so well-written–the pace was really brisk! I think you do first person present wonderfully!
One tiny comment–the part about the soiled gown balled up “into” one arm threw me a little. Would a better word maybe be “under”? Or perhaps I just missed the intent….
houndrat’s last blog post..Teaser Tuesday
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May 5th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Oh, I want to read more. I love first person.
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May 6th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Wow, this is beautiful writing. I Love the first person, present tense - you handle it well without distracting the reader and that is no easy feat. Watch those adverbs sprinkled in as I think you can find stronger verbs. The description, dialogue and pace is excellent - you make it look effortless. There is an essence to this piece that reminds me a bit of Woolf, and I absolutely adore her. Well done!
JM Donahue’s last blog post..sign of the times
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May 6th, 2009 at 3:15 am
The first person works so well! I can’t believe this didn’t start out that way! The voice immediately put me in the time period. Very nice.
One nitpicky comment: the first line jarred me a bit. The clauses have different subjects so I had to read a few times to figure out what was “freed at last” the sun or the narrator.
Shana Silver’s last blog post..Teaser Tuesday
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May 6th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Thanks so much for the pointers, yall. Knew I could make it better and now I know how! xx
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